It was only a few years ago that I began to learn how to laugh at myself. I have been getting a little too intense lately and especially caught up in what others think of me. In a effort to remedy this before I am again paralyzed, I have decided to put myself through a few stories, have another laugh at my own expense and loosen up a bit. Nothing like a healthy dose of self-inflicted public humiliation.
One afternoon I was driving with my children, three at the time. We were on a back road in between Columbia and Mount Joy, Pa. As we drove I saw there on the yellow line, a snakea large and beautiful black snake. I try not to pass up opportunities to show my kids stuff they wouldnt normally get to see. I pull up alongside of the snake and see it is dead. I reach behind me and open the back door so my daughter, A, could take a peak. She has her turn and asks her questions and its time to give E her turn. I pull forward, turn around and pull up alongside the snake againas I am trying to figure out what is wrong with this scenario, E begins to cry indignantly, No fair! She got to see the nake (speech impediment) TWO times mommy!!!
I cant figure out why or how, but I know she is right, because there beside As door is the snake again. I pull forward again, turn around and now E is just pissed. She has her arms crossed and is breathing her mad breathsbut for the life of me, I cant figure out how to stop driving in circles around this snake or how to make it fair by giving E a chance to see it from her side of the car. I try one more time. This time I cross over into the lane of (would be) oncoming traffic, pull up beside the snake that is FINALLY on the correct side of the car, but I cant reach Es door to give her a peakAND.I AM ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD. All of this for a snake. I give up, turn around again, pull over to the side of the road and get the girls out, take them to the snake on the yellow line, listen to their oooohs and ahhhhs and am on my way.
You would think an experience like that would have taught me something, yet not too long after and not even for the last time since.I have been witnessed driving in circles around a gas pump trying to figure out what keeps going wrong.
My next story takes place in May of 1997. I am at the local Weis markets in Mount Joy, PA. I am 9 months pregnant, due in a week. I have gathered my items and have entered the Express Check Out. The young boy, probably 16 or so scans my groceries and politely makes my change. As I am replacing my bags into the cart and taking my receipt, he says Happy Mothers Day. In my lack of attention to his words I kindly come back with, You too. Now my brain catches up with my mouth, I realize I just told a 16 year old to have a happy Mothers Day. I MUST fix this, he is going to think I am a total idiot. In an act that I can only call one of shear panic and desperation, I quickly blurt out, in a nervously loud and over killed tone.Well I hope your mom does
What? What did you just say? You idiot! Who says this stuff? What is wrong with you? I take off RUNNING out of that store, pushing my cart (nine months pregnant) and didnt look back. For the next 6 months I had to change grocery stores because I couldnt bear to show my face. I mean, really you and I both know he waited at his register in the Express Check Out staring at the door, waiting for the crazy Happy Mothers Day lady to come walking through, so he can get on the store loud speaker and point me out to all of his co-workers (who now all work overtime just in case I might come back) and my fellow shoppers that I was the one from his story.
Thanks for laughing at me and with me. oh my goodness, I just remembered one more.(my hubby just went to bed without me, so I guess it wont hurt.)
A couple of months after hubby and I got married I was at the Weis Markets in the town where we now live. I was actually waiting in the parking lot for it to open(I have no idea what was so important) I was still getting used to being not single. (dont ask about this eitherwe didnt date, we just got married, my brain, as you can see from the above stories, is not my greatest asset) So, I am at the store before the sun has even come up and I am looking for whatever products I went to get. On two occasions I pass a man, a relatively attractive man, and I notice he is looking at meLadies, you know the look. I am sure I smiled and thought, Why yes, I am darn cute arent I? and kept walking, but now with a little bounce in my step. I ring up my things, and he is in the line beside me, he casts one more look in my direction and is on his way.
My ego is so totally blown up. I am the best thing that has happened to this store in ages and that guy keeps confirming with his eyes. This once bounce in my step, is now like a diva runway model stride. As I am on my way back to my family and GORGEOUS HUSBAND.I catch a glimpse of myself in the giant windows on my way out. Would you believe it? With each step I take, bouncing diva stride and all, I have a huge, mother of all COWLICKS in the back of my head. I look like a ROOSTER! It was unmistakablenot a hair or two out of place, the worlds most serious case of bed head.you know, flat in the back from the pillow with the giant tower on top..
That man was not checking me out!!!! He was wondering why I didnt BRUSH MY HAIR!!! And why I kept giving him the Im catching what you are throwing eyes.
I got in my car and laughed till it hurt to breathe. I came home too humiliated to tell hubby about my adventures, but promised to tell him on our one year wedding anniversary. So, there in the airport, waiting for our flight to Kenya, hubby found out about his wandering-eyed, chicken-headed wife.
Off to dream land for me. If all goes well, I WONT be trying to repair my pride.
I crack me up!