When I was 19, my first hubby didnt think that being an at-home-mom was a lucrative enough endeavor. He was a drug addict, but rather than stop using, he thought I should get a job. We had lots of fights about this, but as you will find by this story, I didnt win many fights in that marriage. He made me sign up to be an Amway Representative. I thought, one day I will look back on this and laugh I guess 14 years isnt quite long enough. I went to all the the big conferences and listened to all of the how to sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves techniques. My sister-in-law at the time, taught me to say Money is no object. I had to practice that more times than my Lamaze breathing exercises. I remember thinking, What is a lie and what is sales and what is dreaming and when does it matter? I learned about posturing and how to look like you know everything and have it all together. Though I never sold an Amway product, I learned to sell me, or at least the form of me I wanted you to buy. At one point I called it Paul Syndrome being all things to all men. It was a clever disguise of my clever disguise. I just referred to it as being relevant (this is a whole nother post ((holy crap that is bad English and I LOVE it))
I have a limited ability to have intimacy with others because being intimate with them puts me in a position where I have to cope with their shortcomings and areas I dont agree. I like to be right and think that I am most of the time. Statistically speaking, I cant be as right as much I think. So, I am forced to look at an alternative view. I could very well be not-so-right, wrong or even there is no clear right answer.
When I say Lets just agree to disagree what I am really saying is I know you are wrong and I am satisfied with that and I am too tired or dont care enough about your opinion of me to spend more time trying to show you just how right I am. While I am thinking this, I am also thinking They are such a pain in the ass to be in relationship with. This is more ironic than 10,000 spoons any day. I ntimacy requires trust. I have to trust that if you see me and know me, you can still love me. And I cant trust that from anyone else, because I cant trust that from myself (the only person I DO trust). This is two-fold. I know me and I dont like me. And if I know you too well there is a good possibility I wont like you either. So many of our perceptions are based on life experience. ALL of my life experiences have involved me. How I respond to and perceive people has shaped how I believe you will perceive and respond to me as well.
This blog is a form of false intimacy. I liked that idea when I first started using it, but now I am not so sure. I want intimacy and I crave community. I like conversations, blogging is like this I tell you what I think, saw, want.then you say Yay or Boo then I say Wow, I really am amazing and clever or They really dont know what they are talking about. Then sometimes people will talk amongst themselves like on DMs blog (jessica is yours truly, i was all incognito and stuff)but I am not sure these are real conversations either. I recently read Rob Bells book Sex God. Sara gave it to me and I like the idea of intimacy with Sara and she seems to be able to handle it from me and maybe giving a book is intimate. I read it in one day while flying to Dallas. It was nothing like I thought. I learned the importance of the Me Too factor. Those two comforting words that say I am not all alone here in this big unknown, I have company here and maybe I am getted or gotten. Then, I remember the me factor in the me too and wonder how possible that really is.
I showed your mine now..